HOWTO process your new hotel room
- Replace any partial roll of toilet paper with a fresh one
- Gather all signs, placards, ads, offers, “magazines,” Gideon Bibles, or other marketing materials strewn throughout the room; place in lowest dresser drawer; close (and optionally duct-tape) drawer
- Collect all fake plants, fake art objects, and other distracting kipple; place in closet; close closet door
- On one newly marketing-free surface, prominently place photo of family you miss
- Hang up thing to wear tomorrow; if wrinkled, hang in bathroom with shower running
- Google for local public radio or college radio stations; retune radio accordingly
- Set at least two alarms
- Call room service; order large pot of coffee to arrive 30 minutes before you plan to wake up in the morning (this becomes another alarm)
- Call family to say Good night
- Turn TV to wherever Law & Order is playing (somewhere, Law & Order is always playing)
- Wash hands
- Brush teeth
- Miss family
- Try to sleep without obsessing over who used the first half of that toilet paper. Then slept where you are right now. Maybe naked.
- Put on more layers; try to sleep again
The only thing I add to this basic routine is wrapping hands in new toilet paper or tissue to touch the remote and the phone.
